" I've got MYSELF to remind me of Love" - Frankie Beverly
Dear Diary,
He was hot. I mean HOT. Dolce and Gabbanna model sexy. And diary he was here with me!!!!! His eyes were piercing mine and I felt desirable even in my silk head scarf that I wear to bed... he found me beautiful.
Okay, I'll start from the beginning. There was a time diary when I felt perfectly fine with a young man sleeping in my bed. No, we didn't have to have sex. I just enjoyed the yumminess of a man. I would find myself caught between the lust of my body and the lust of my wanting to be held by a man; ANY man. As a child I can remember my mother holding me on her lap, kissing my face gently and calling me her "Pumpkin". I learned from her the true meaning of sisterhood and the healing powers of a mother's touch. I also remember laying on my father as he left his imprint on my mothers couch. I can remember the laughter we shared, but more importantly how brief those moments were. I learned from him to embrace and treasure the touch of a man, because a man's affection is fleeting. Thus, I am not surprised that EVERY guy I've dated seriously was allowed to at some point share a bed with me. No, I didn't have sex with them ( Well, not all of them). But I thought nothing of "laying" with the man. After all, I needed to feel the touch of a man and I knew that eventually the opportunity would pass. So, sometimes it took a few months, a few weeks, a few days- but I would end up curled up under a man searching for the longevity that I deserved from my father. It's the truth, Diary. I have been INSANE about this issue. Always expecting a new outcome when I was going about things in an old way.
AND THEN HE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR...
With an overnight bag stapled to his grown man dress coat. And there I was, looking like I was officially learning to sleep ALONE for a change. I could barely feel my legs and then I realized I was right back to being the little girl who tried to hide in her fathers bosom to find her beauty. I could see myself clearly.
Tiny little doll baby, hair in barrettes, singing Michael Jackson for fun. There he was laying on the couch in a hot sauce stained undershirt, feet raised high, cigarette to his lip. He was my daddy. He was my first love. If only he would let me lay on him for a moment. Let me sleep beside him to feel his affirmation of my toothless mouth and skinny legs. I'll give anything to have him want me around. ANYTHING. Anything that at my age I could afford. I just need him to teach me right now how men 20 years from now should treat me. I need him to hold me so that I don't let every man hold me or have me years from now. He looks over to me, he looks over at the television, he goes back to smoking his cancer stick. I decide to take matters into my own hands. I feel like a cross between Joan of Arc and Angela Davis. REVOLUTION! DADDY YOU WILL HOLD ME! I decide to throw myself at him. I climb onto the couch next to him. I lean in to lay down. This was the moment. He didn't have a choice, he was going to embrace me. Right? I layed there waiting... waiting for him to say all the things a girl needs to hear. Call them "Sweet Somethings", if you will. But I got nothing but a cold embrace and a desire to meet my need elsewhere.
He was SO hot. His conversation electrifies me DIARY. But, I knew if I let him stay here I would be making him my father. He deserved better than to be my pseudo paternal figure. And I deserve more than a man who is okay with laying in my bed, feeling on my booty and then leaving the next day without so much as a marriage proposal! ( Smile).
There was a time diary that I looked forward to having a mans arms around me. But for some reason... I'd rather wait until I'm sure that I am not using those men to fulfill a desire that they'll never be able to meet.
SO, I guess what I'm saying is I may have to turn away a few more fine men before I learn my lesson. I mean, what would other Lady Diva's think? I can hear you diary.... NO, they would have never known. But I would have known. I would have awakened to the beautiful sun and his beautiful face but I would have still been waiting for him to validate my beauty!
NOT SO!
God is my father. He validates my beauty. And he would have known that I shared my bed- yet again after encouraging LadyDivas everywhere to make their beds sacred.
YES. HE IS FINE.... But was it worth YET ANOTHER dent in character?
I've come to learn that I'll never get back my childhood, nor the moments that I wish I had with my father, but I have an opportunity TODAY to make my life shine.... even if it means denying my overwhelming desire to have a man in my bed.
There are SO many sisters out here who say, " Well, I ONLY have oral sex with guys" or " I ONLY have sex with guys that I am in a committed relation ship with", or my current situation, " Well, I ONLY want to lay in bed with a man". My question for all of us is, Why are we doing it? Are we doing it because we want to? Or are we doing to in order to cover or overcompensate for loneliness, depression, past hurts or disappointments?
Diary, I think we should ALL think about that before as we ponder the question, " To Lay or not to lay?"
In the mean time... I'm going to learn for the first time in my life to lay alone.... as long as I have Frankie Beverly playing in the back round... I'll be fine,
With All I Am,
Shay
THELadyDiva
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